There comes a time when the dynamic with our parents begins to shift. The people who once held our hands through every decision, from what to eat to where to go, now look to us for help. It can feel confronting when the people who taught us how to navigate the world start needing our help to navigate theirs.
It’s easy to feel like the roles have reversed, but they haven’t in the way we think.
As children, we needed our parents to decide for us because we weren’t ready yet. But as adults, they’ve had their own life experiences and earned the right to have their choices respected.
They might need support in decision making, but not someone to decide for them.
Asking for help is not awarding authority.
Needing assistance isn’t losing the right to choose.
Needing guidance isn’t giving up control.
So before stepping in, it helps to pause and ask yourself: what are their wishes and preferences?
Our Advocates have broken down the process.
Stepping into a role of trust
If you’ve been appointed as a substitute decision maker for a parent, it’s important to remember this is a role of trust, not control. Your purpose is to act in a way that promotes their decisions in line with their preferences, personal, cultural and social wellbeing and support them to the extent necessary for them to make their own decisions without influence.
Even when you disagree, your responsibility is to support their wishes and protect their wellbeing without taking over their life. It’s a delicate balance between care and autonomy, but it’s at the heart of your responsibility as the substitute decision maker. Part of this is honouring their dignity of risk, recognising their right to make choices that may involve some risk while still supporting them in a way that protects their independence.
Making decisions based on values and lived experience
Think about who your parent is as a person. What routines give them comfort? What hobbies make them happy? Who do they like to spend time with? What cultural or spiritual practices are important to them?
These details matter just as much as medical or legal decisions. They’re the building blocks of identity.
If your parent has completed an Advance Health Directive (AHD) or spoken about their preferences before, those conversations are a valuable guide, giving insight into what matters most to them when they can no longer express their own wishes.
Include them in the conversation
Wherever possible, include your parent in decisions that affect them. Ask what they want, listen with patience, and make space for their perspective, even if communication is difficult. If they can’t participate directly, check in with others who know them well enough to make sure your decisions still reflect their voice and what matters to them.
Keeping a record of the choices, you make and why, can also help you stay accountable and show that you’re acting with care and respect.
When help becomes overreach
It’s easy to start making decisions for ageing parents out of concern, care or habit, but age alone doesn’t remove a person’s right to choose. Unless a medical professional has determined otherwise, your parent still has decision-making capacity, and their choices deserve the same respect as anyone else’s. It’s walking in their shoes – would you feel comfortable with someone making decisions on your behalf without being consulted or heard.
Walking alongside, not ahead
Being a substitute decision maker or carer is about walking beside your parent, not leading the way. It’s about protecting their rights, honouring their independence, and ensuring they are treated with dignity. Sometimes taking the time to slow down, listen and understand, is not always easy in this busy world, however their voice is the most important.
Let us help you to help them
At Advocare, we believe human rights don’t diminish with age. If you’re unsure about your role or want guidance on how to support your loved one’s choices, we can help.
If you’re unsure about any of the topics discussed, our Advocates are here to help. Our services are free, confidential and independent.
Call the Aged Care Advocacy Line on 1800 700 600 or visit advocare.org.au to learn more.
