It’s 7.30am. You’re scrambling to make the kids lunches when you realise their uniforms are still on the line – no doubt still damp. Then your phone rings. It’s mum – she is anxious about her appointment today. She is worried about her new doctor, the traffic, the parking. You assure her you’ll leave work early to pick her up, and you know just where to park. She doesn’t sound convinced, but you have to go. As you hang up, your work email starts pinging. You yell for your kids to finish their breakfast as you race to the washing line. Yep, the uniforms are still wet. You take a deep breath. You remember that photo of mum on her Harley Davidson with a cigarette in hand. So strong. So independent. You rip the uniforms off the line wondering how long it will take to blow dry them, and how much time that will leave you to get dressed.
Sound familiar? Welcome, to the sandwich generation.
The ‘sandwich generation’ is mostly made up by women aged 40 – 60 who are caring for ageing parents while raising kids, juggling careers and managing households. It’s a lot. And there is often little to no time or energy for themselves.
Between work, school runs, rising costs, and ageing parents needing more help, the sandwich generation is under pressure from all sides. You’re managing meds, appointments, after school care, and deadlines—often all before lunch. It’s easy to understand why so many are feeling stretched to their limits.
It is also easy to understand why the sandwich generation look for fast and practical solutions. When time is tight, emotions are high, and energy low, decisions that ‘make sense’ or ‘just work’ can feel like the only way forward. But in the rush to support your ageing parents, it’s easy to forget to consider: Is this what Mum/ Dad really wants?
Caring for older parents can feel like the roles have been reversed. With the ‘parent to child’ relationship, we make decisions based on what we feel is best for our children. We do this as younger children do not have the cognitive ability or experience to make these decisions for themselves. However, older adults—regardless of age or ability—deserve dignity, choice, and control over their lives.
Supporting them doesn’t mean making every decision for them. It means creating space to understand what matters to them. It means recognising their autonomy, even if their choices are not what we would choose. It means slowing down long enough to understand their preferences about their care, home, routine, and lifestyle.
Take Joan. She’s 82 and still lives in the family home she’s loved for 40 years. Her daughter worries about the upkeep and urges her to move somewhere easier to manage. But Joan isn’t ready, she is happy in her home and loves her community. She has wonderful neighbours and loves her daily walks to her local café. For her, staying isn’t about convenience or ease—it’s about dignity, independence, and staying connected to the life she loves.
Joan’s daughter means well. Downsizing feels like the practical solution. But before any big decision, we need to ask ourselves ‘Is this what’s easiest for me, or what is right for them?’
But, it’s not always the big decisions that can have unintended impacts.
George is 79 and lost his beloved wife a few years ago. She was a wonderful woman—and an even better cook—always making sure he had his ‘meat and three veg’ every day.
These days, George prefers a pie and sausage roll from the local bakery. Every Friday, he and his mates enjoy fish and chips and a couple of beers while watching the footy. He knows it’s not the healthiest diet, but at his age, he figures: why give up the things that bring joy?
His daughter Tess worries constantly. The kids adore their Papa, and she doesn’t want to lose him too. Concerned about his diet, she insists he give up the ‘rubbish’ food and the booze, and signs him up for a meal delivery service.
George doesn’t want to upset her—but the meals are bland, and they all taste the same. He’s doing his best to play along, but inside, he’s miserable.
Tess’s actions come from a place of love—but in trying to do what’s ‘best’, she’s unintentionally taken away some of the small daily joys that give George’s life meaning. A better step might have been to sit down and ask him what he wants—then work together to find a balance that supports both his health and his happiness.
These moments aren’t easy. Caregiving brings emotional weight and constant demands. But slowing down to actively involve your parent in decisions about their home, care, or daily routine—well, it’s not only their right, but leads to better outcomes for everyone.
If you’re part of the sandwich generation, know this: you are unsung heroes – what you do for your family is invaluable. You are showing up every day in ways both seen and unseen. But amid the juggle don’t lose sight of the person at the centre of it all—your parents. They are more than the sum of their needs. It’s important to ensure their voices are heard.
And you don’t have to do this alone. Advocare supports older adults and their families to understand their rights and navigate and resolve issues with aged care services. We help you find the information and supports you need to make informed decisions. You can call our Aged Care Advocates on 1800 700 600.
Remember, take a deep breath. Ask the hard question. And remember: caring with someone, not just for them, is the greatest act of love.
